i think its about time to stop thinking
and just going with whatever comes my way
~maybe because mentally im just not good at thinking things through?~
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I want what i want, no one can change that, its weird that what i thought i wanted i actually got but when i have it something isnt right. Its confusing. I have a new boyfriend that i thought was all i wanted, but the past got to me, someone i havent seen in a year, and hung out with a week ago, its like my brain wants to do the smart and safe thing, but my heart just wont give in. I have tried so hard to get over it, i know he's bad for me, he's been to juvie, he smokes all the time, he lives farther away, but maybe someone hard to handle is what i need? Ive tried so hard to get over it, but i cant. I just want what i want. I tried explaining this to my friend but they dont get it. This isnt fair to my boyfriend, i know it. I dont know what to do. What hurts the most is that this guy just confessed he was going to ask me out, and if he knew i was interested in someone else that he would have tried harder to see me. I feel like my insides are being crumpled over and over again. Im definitely never this dramatic in person, because i know no one wants to listen to it, and i wouldnt want to listen to myself, but this is a blog. So it is what it is. Maybe taking risks is what life is all about?
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So I finally decided to talk to my best friend. He is a guy and we have been friends for like three years, one -two years ago he told me he had feelings for me, and i didnt feel like that at all toward him. We had an awkward period of time but that passed and we were back to being friends. He came over one day with his two friends and i was flirting with one of them, we started texting and talking and eventually we started going out. I thought my friend would be ok with it since i thought he was over me, but maybe he wasnt. He started getting really irritated when i would talk about my boyfriend and them two arent friends ever since i started going out with him. So obviously started thinking he liked me still. This time things were different tho, i think i started having feelings for my bestfriend now too. I completely didnt like my boyfriend anymore, he wasnt who i thought he was. My best friend and i did make out in between my boyfriends and my first break up and i sort of liked it. It was complicated. I got back together with my boyfriend because i felt bad for him,(that sounds wrong but it seemed right then) because he was moving far far away soon and he was like really in love with me. So i decided to trudge it out with him. While being with him i kept liking my bestfriend more and more, but we got in a fight. It was all about my boyfriend then and how he didnt like him and he kept saying things like my boyfriend ruined everything and shit but he never told me specifics. We stopped talking for awhile. During the summer, we were both visiting family in Lithuania at the same time. He wrote to me on facebook. He apologized a lot but for reason i wasnt taking it easy for him, he means so much to me not just as someone i like but as a brother, and i was just so fed up with us fighting that we got into another fight about me not accepting his apologies. I will never forget what he said to me, "Our egos are both just too big for eachother." But we made up, we hung out when we were in lithuania, we went to a movie, walked around the city,i loved it, it was perfect, it was like a date but not officially i guess. One thing i can say is that i dont remember the movie at all ;) It seemed like we were perfectly fine and he went back to the U.S. and so did i and we decided to hang out again. His mom was out of town and the condo was all to himself. I came over and i was disgusting, i was on my period, i had a cold sore and i just looked like shit overall, but i really wanted to see him. We were watching a movie, and we just sort of starting making out, i didnt want to, its disgusting i had a huge cold sore, but he didnt care. Obviously thats all we did and then i had to leave. Next weekend we were hanging out again, this time i wasnt on my period, i didnt have a cold sore and i felt good. We kept talking about how i wanted to lose my virginity to someone i didnt know so no one else would ever know but i would have done it and gotten it over with, thats just how i am, im not religious or anything so thats how i wanted to do it. He said it would be best if i lost it to my best friend... and i didnt want to, because your first is usually never the one you end up with, and i wanted to end up with him. But we were hanging out and it sort of just happened, i was happy about it tho. We watched a movie after, made out, did cutsie things and what not. Eventually i had to leave and i really didnt want to. But things were never the same after that. He texted me the monday after but it was just a nonchalant talk which was nice i liked it but something was different. After that we didnt talk for awhile. Eventually i was like maybe hes nervous so i started talking to him and was like "so you dont like me how u used to" and he said "No its not that ive just been busy, come over saturday" and im like phew so he does like me still? so i accepted. The saturday of i texted him say im coming in bit and his reply was " you were planning on coming?" i wanted to cry, i wanted to punch something i wanted to crawl up into a little ball and stay like it forever. What the hell if he talking about, yes i was planning on coming , we talked about it. I just said nevermind and moved on. Im not one of those cliche girl who falling love with the first guy she has sex with, or just any guy ingeneral, this was different because he was my best friend, its not like i randomly picked him up and started liking him, it took me awhile to like him, so it hurt so much more now. I knew i shouldnt like him. I knew it. So now its been like 1-2 months since thats happened,ive tried to move on, and i have found other people, other guys, but its never the same, an i know it never will be, i need to find somehting better not the same, but its hard. So i decided to talk to him yesterday, it was nice, we just talked like nothing ever happened, like we were back to normal , it was the best feeling in the world, just being back to normal, but eventually i had to say bye again. And i feel the same hurt i felt before.
if only things were like they used to be
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ya i love halloween, for the obvious reason that you can dress like a slut and no one judges you .
